Dear TACC ©
by C.W. Behrens
Dear TACC,
In the upcoming months I will be taking my wife with me on a standard channel mission and I'd like her to witness firsthand how aircrews are forced to endure our so called "support agencies" who are constantly dropping the ball. As such, I'd like to ensure she gets a true taste of what we do by requesting that you secure the following:
1. Three broken airplanes out of home station that we can tail swap to (in sequence) before having the mission slip 24 hours for another "0-dark-30" brief time.
2. A crew bus small enough to hold either the crew or the bags (but not both), and I'd like it to show up no less than 30 minutes after it's needed.
3. A maintenance team made up entirely of 3 level airmen willing to pencil-whip a missing wing to ensure an on-time takeoff.
While we're out in the system, I'd like to have:
1. Crew rests only at cheesy motels no less than 50 miles from the base and I'd like to be driven there by a driver that speaks no English and will not allow stops at the chow hall or shopette.
2. The chow hall never gets the word to open at 0300 for us.
3. The cargo shows up 2 hours after load time.
4. There's no power unit within miles of the aircraft at show time.
5. Command post refuses to answer their radio.
6. Fuel load is inappropriate. Way too much or way too little is what should be on at show time. Transpose our estimate from the night before if necessary (I.E. 85.0=58.0)
7. Make sure our cargo load is large enough to keep us from loading enough fuel to reach our destination.
8. Solicit 10 more passengers than the number of outbound seats released (we love a crowded flight deck).
9. Give our loadmasters a good workout by throwing the 10,000 pound pallet far enough aft to take the CG out of limits. We like nothing more than scrambling to download half a plane to fix your load plan mistakes.
With regard to box lunches; they must:
1. Accurately reflect the disgruntled nature of the chow hall personnel.
2. Be missing half the advertised "goodies".
3. Be delivered 20 minutes after scheduled block time.
4. Include pudding or applesauce (but no spoon).
5. Include no wasteful condiments that might actually add flavor to the dried mystery meat sandwich.
6. Include redundant items, such as peanuts and peanut brittle to compliment the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
NOTES ON COFEE
a. Coffee should be served in an inoperative jug unless an act of God forces you to utilize one of the ones that work worth a damn.
b. Cream/sugar/stirring sticks should be hidden in 3 separate bags so no single crewmember can locate all three until ten minutes after he gives up hope and drinks it black.
In dealing with you folks on the phone, I must insist upon:
1. Minimum crew rest at all locations to make up for the initial 24 hour slip out of home station.
2. Crew ingenuity must be avoided at all costs!!! Common sense decisions must only be derived from:
a. Coin toss
b. Magic 8 ball
c. 1-900 psychic lines
d. Whatever the lowest ranking airman in the room at the time thinks
3. Three hours of contemplation before granting a two hour crew duty extension
4. Reply to mission critical L-band e-mail after the plane lands and the crew is in bed.
5. Perform shift changes every 15 minutes to ensure I don't talk to the same person twice in a row.
6. When we run into maintenance problems:
a. I want to talk only to your most experienced C-130 specialist to make sure they MICAP the wrong parts to us.
b. Send a maintenance troop that makes the counselors in "Meatballs" look like brain surgeons.
c. Divert us to a base that has every type of maintenance except what we need.
7. The background music when you put me on hold should reflect your concern. I would suggest "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares"
If you follow these instructions carefully and give each item the forethought you put into all your other decisions, I'm sure the mission will be uneventful since you'll certainly screw it up by the numbers and my wife will still think I spend my time out there drunk, chasing women, and lying on sunny beaches.